There's a phrase that's said a lot in our house.
A LOT, A LOT.
It's slowly become the norm over the past 5 years, and at this point, it's almost expected.
It used be said with sadness, with a sense of longing for time to go slower and slower...
But after no less than a million times uttered, the sadness has dissipated, and only matter of factness remains.
"What time is your flight?"
Any woman who's said those words over
knows the emotion that it invokes.
It's a messy conglomerate of sadness, jealousy, gratitude, and resentment....
On most Sunday nights my husband flies out.
It's hard for me to keep track of his whereabouts most weeks...
is he in Denver?
maybe New Jersey?
or is it Vegas?
People ask me so often...Where's Brian?
And I feel like a Stepford Wife answering...
"Uh....I'm not sure. He's traveling..."
The truth is that it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter where he is, because he's not HERE.
He's not HOME.
Because for as GRATEFUL as I am for how hard he works, how WELL he takes care of our family, how absolutely ABUNDANT our life is...
We are lacking in the most primal way.
We are lacking in HIM.
So, to my very hard working, very motivated husband
on Sunday night...
These are the things on my mind.
There's always an epic meltdown after you go.
in all of his sweetness,
always always always chooses the night you leave to push every button on the motherboard.
It almost always ends in screaming and tears (although mainly on his end now that I am more used to it) and my heart breaking.
I know it's never about whatever it's about.
It's never really about what he does or doesn't want for dinner.
It's never really about how long he gets to watch TV or his iPad.
It's never really about which shoes he wants to wear when we leave
or if he really needs to wear a jacket.
In his tiny little gorgeous mind, it IS about that.
The pattern over the past year or so has given it away and I know it's his way of DEALING.
He's ANGRY when you leave.
He misses you and he hurts and I can't help but think I get the brunt of it because I'm always the one that stays.
In his tiny little gorgeous mind he can't differentiate the details, and while sometimes he says he understands, and he always comes around to apologize...
it breaks my heart every time to know hes dealing with such BIG emotions with no other outlet.
He MISSES his DAD.
I Wish I had the Social Life You Get to Have
I get that you have to eat.
I get that there's business meetings,
and customer gatherings,
and hard work celebrations,
and friends who live out of state.
But while you get to eat real food and sip drinks with friends I'm arguing about how many more bites he has to take and discussing the latest episode of Dino Dan...again.
As the MOST introverted girl that ever was, I don't want to go out every night or be the center of large events.
But I'd like to catch a girls night on a Wednesday, or a movie on a Tuesday.
MY social life struggles because you're gone, too.
Sometimes I don't get to be the friend I want to be, and let's be honest-a night in a hotel with a dinner and drinks out is nothing short of a FAIRY TALE for a mom of a 5 year old boy!
Not having you here is really lonely...on so many levels.
Sometimes I seem cold because I have to stay stable
I know sometimes I seem cold when you go.
It's not that I'm angry, it's that I have to be the one to stay stable for our son. I know a meltdown is coming, and he will look to me to be the one that's OK.
I've tried many approaches to my emotions over the years.
I've felt crushing grief and cried for days.
I've played indifferent.
I've acted like I don't need you...
But the truth is I miss you each and every day.
The truth is that there's always an evening when I lock myself in the bathroom and cry on the floor because it's really fucking HARD to do it without you day after day after day.
My mom was a MEGA independent single mom who truly didn't NEED a man for really...anything.
I KNOW I don't NEED you to manage our life, but the truth is I WANT you to help manage our life. I CHOSE you to spend my life with and I WANT to spend my life WITH you in it!
It's really hard to find a parenting balance
When you're gone I have to find a way to make it all happen on my own.
To survive our super intelligent, sassy, curious son.
I have a way of parenting that isn't the same as your way of parenting, but its nothing short of necessary when going solo.
Most of the time it's pure survival mode.
Sometimes it's really really hard to change that on the weekends and then go back to our "norm" on Monday.
It's hard for me, it's probably hard for you, and I know it's hard for our son.
I always respect your parenting input, and it makes me believe with everything in my being that parenting was designed to be a TEAM SPORT.
You are at the top of my gratitude list each morning
As hard as everyday can be...
And as raw as this list might be...
I know how grateful I am for our life.
I know how hard you work,
how motivated you are to provide MORE than we could ever need,
and for that I am grateful each and everyday.
Every morning when I write my gratitude list you're the star of the show.
Of course it's not easy at home for us, but I know its not easy to LEAVE us every week, either.
THANK YOU for the life you've given us.
We love you,
we ALWAYS miss you,
and I still hope and pray that one day soon we won't have to spend so much time apart.
If you know a momma who rocks it out while her hubby travels to support the family would you share this with her?
I would love nothing more than to connect with you, and support each other from afar.
Love and Light,